Finding Myself Through Boudoir

As a boudoir photographer, I've always promoted the idea of celebrating our bodies at every stage of life. I firmly believe that every person deserves to feel beautiful and confident, regardless of where they are in their journey. But what happens when the person behind the camera needs a reminder to live their own advice?

Recently, I found myself in that exact situation. Despite encouraging countless clients to embrace their bodies through boudoir shoots, I had neglected to do the same for myself post-pregnancy. It wasn't a deliberate choice, but rather a result of the whirlwind of time and responsibilities. However, a spontaneous decision to capture some social media content turned into a profound moment of self-realization.

As I scrolled through the images from the impromptu shoot, I was unexpectedly overcome with emotion. It wasn't just about the aesthetics; it was a flood of feelings that I had been suppressing. Pregnancy had been an empowering experience for me. I felt like a queen, reveling in the miracle of life growing within me. But the aftermath, especially after two c-sections, left me grappling with a sense of detachment from my own body and mind.

After the birth of my first son, I found myself staring in the mirror, bewildered by the unfamiliar figure staring back at me. It was a body I didn't recognize, my hips wider and more pronounced than during the actual pregnancy and a stomach that seemed to bear witness to the journey it had endured. I never had a flat stomach but I never had a stomach fully hang and be the “apron” belly that is talked so negatively about, until now. I remember my family was visiting and I made a comment on how I didn’t recognize my body in the mirror and feeling weird about it. My brother was quick to remind me “You just had a baby not even a week ago!” After my second son, it wasn't just physical changes; it was a profound shift in my mental mindset.

Motherhood brought with it a rollercoaster of emotions. I have cried almost daily, sometimes tears would just come out of nowhere while I’m brushing my teeth or getting a shower. While I cherish every moment with my boys, there are days when I feel like a stranger to myself. I am now a person who can no longer walk through a store without getting overstimulated by all the options. Why do we need 500 options of lotion, shampoo, vitamins, etc? Also noise, I can’t take it, when my boys are playing and the TV is on and then my husband is watching a video on his phone that is playing on volume 1000, I just want to scream. Mundane decisions feel monumental, and even simple tasks like responding to messages became daunting. Who is this person, because I don’t know who she is. As I sit here and write this I am crying allowing myself to finally acknowledge what I have felt over the past 18 months. I truly love being a mom and love my boys more than anything in the world. So for me to feel anything other than love and happiness makes me feel even more guilty.

Back to editing the images from the spur-of-the-moment photoshoot. As I looked at the images, something amazing happened. With 2000s hip-hop blaring in the background, I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of the camera. For the first time in months, I bared not just my body but also my soul. Amidst the laughter and silliness frozen in those frames, I caught a glimpse of the person I used to be—the person who exuded confidence and self-assurance. It was a profound moment of recognition, a reunion with myself after months of feeling adrift. For the first time in 18 months I felt like me again!

These pictures are a testament to resilience. They captured a body that had borne witness to the miracle of life two times over, that had carried the weight of grief and joy in equal measure. This is a body that has been through 1 miscarriage, 2 pregnancies and c-sections. This is a body that carries around two toddlers weighing around 25lbs each on a daily basis.

In that moment, I realized that I am stronger than my hormones, I am allowed to cry and have highs and lows and still be a great mom and business woman. It was a reminder that self-love isn't just about embracing the exterior but embracing the scars, imperfections and memories that tell our story.

So, when I advocate for boudoir sessions, I'm not just talking about capturing aesthetically pleasing images. I'm urging you to embrace yourself in all your raw, unfiltered glory—to reclaim ownership of your body and your narrative. Because sometimes, it's through the eyes of someone else that we find our way back to ourselves.

Did You See Her?

She is so skinny. I would kill to have her body. If only I had her boobs, butt etc... Have you ever said this about someone else either celebrity or someone you know?

I know I have and I’m sure the women I have said this about have also said it about someone else. Our world has pushed what they want us to believe beauty, sexy and health is supposed to look like. In magazines, tv and social media it’s constantly pushed in our face. The social media ads are out of control and it makes me angry. 

I would look in the mirror and think “damn I look good” and then I would see the ads and think oh I needed to work out more, eat more salads, work on my tan, let my hair grow out, get my eyebrows done etc to look “beautiful”.  It was a fucked up mind game that never ended. 

When I got pregnant I couldn’t wait to wear cute maternity clothes and dresses and embrace my growing belly and not worry about the beauty standards. Guess what… those ads, they changed to maternity and postpartum ads. Maternity spanx and postpartum workouts and belly bands “to get back to your pre-pregnancy” body. Like seriously! I just went 9 months of growing my baby and during that time I could barely find a maternity bra in my size because apparently maternity women are all under a DD size bra and why would I want to wear body shaping spanx and squish my growing belly during pregnancy? The expected standards are ABSURD and wildly inappropriate. The ads forced upon women that just had a baby to work out and wear belly bands or compression leggings are even more of a fucked up mind game. Making women who are on a hormonal roller coaster trying to navigate their new norm with their precious new baby and now they feel the pressure from marketing ads to start working out and get their “body” back like their body isn’t beautiful anymore. 

Well I’m here to tell you forget all the bullshit marketing beauty industry standards. You are beautiful! Yes you, in your body no matter what phase of life you are in. Your body is worthy and should be loved and celebrated. Our bodies are magical and are designed to change and grow as our lives do. I can assure you, of all the bodies I have photographed, all of them are different in every way, shape, size, color and ability and each and everyone of them are perfectly beautiful. 

If you have every experienced any of this, from feeling not good enough when seeing an ad about losing weight or wishing you looked like someone else. Then I want you to go look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you and hug your body. 

You are beautiful.